A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from from his illnesses. - Hippocrates

I was thinking this morning, as I was taking my two high dose antibiotics, Cipro and Vancomycin, with my cup of hot tea that I'm a bit fed up right now. I'm fed up with the Cipro for the continuing Staph infections under my barrier, the C. diff that comes with taking Cipro, and the leaking and lack of adherence of my barrier because of the diarrhea from the C. diff and the weeping of the Staph infection; so last night, I lost it for a moment because I'm sick and tired, right now, of being sick and tired. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who breaks down every now and then. I know I'm not the only one who gets tired of being so strong for myself and others that I feel weak. I can say, for sure, that I'm not the only one who can be so happy for my struggles with IBD one moment because it's transformed me into a better person, but then, at times, I can be so angry that I'm the one fighting this disease when I look around at people who chain smoke, drink daily, do drugs, have unprotected sex and multiple partners, and they're not fighting the battle that I am.

*Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not generalizing. I'm going by personal experiences, people that I've known, and do know, who destroy their bodies daily and treat them as if they'll live forever, with no concern for their health or the future of their health.*

I get to a point, very rarely, where I just find myself so deep in depression and anger, or maybe, it's hate that I am fighting IBD, when I don't drink like a fish, smoke like a train engine, do drugs to escape reality, and go crazy having sex to prove to everyone that "I'm one hot, wanted woman." Well, since Friday, this has been one of those times.

I'm not an angry person, a mean person, a selfish person, or a person who wishes I didn't have Crohn's disease. I take pride in the life God has dealt me. Why would I live my life so angry all of the time if IBD isn't something I can control? That would be a waste of life, a pretty miraculous life.

As I sit here complaining, sorry for being such a downer, I want to share with you some of the quotes, words of wisdom, pictures, music videos, and Bible verses that get me through my toughest times; times where I've been so low that I didn't want to live, times where I've been so low that I've been angry at the world, times so low that I just quit living my life.

As someone suffering from IBD, I've probably heard it all. I remember one time when I was hospitalized for dehydration because I couldn't stop vomiting and had very bad diarrhea. Not only was I in a severe flare up, I had developed C. diff from being on Cipro for ongoing sinus infections and strep throat. Where I was working at the time, if we had to call off, we had to find a sub to fill in for us. I had, literally, called everyone at work and was repeatedly told, "No." I didn't understand because I had subbed for all these people. Why weren't they returning the favor. Later on, after returning to work, I discovered that a co-worker had informed everyone that I wasn't in the hospital but just "faking it."

I'd never wish IBD on anyone because of the emotional lows, physical changes, and struggles that come with it, but this employee had no idea what I was going through. She, actually, thought that Crohn's was just diarrhea and an upset stomach. She believed that I was calling off to spend time away from work with friends. What time would I have for friends? Unless they wanted to join me while I was on the toilet; I saw no friends, other than those that came up to the hospital. I learned a very strong lesson in that moment; people are going to doubt that I have Crohn's because it's an invisible illness, but I no longer let their judgments hurt me because I have the courage to say, "I may not look sick, but my body is at war with itself. Until you know what that feels like, you have no right to judge me, my decisions, my actions, or how I live my life. You weren't dealt the hand I was given because you weren't strong enough to live through it. You'll have your own battles, and I won't judge you based on your struggles; so please, don't judge me based on mine." The way I see it, like the picture says, I'm not meant to judge anyone; so they shouldn't be meant to judge me.

When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease, it was about a year after I had been baptized; so I relied a lot on prayer. The more I prayed, the angrier I got with the Lord because He wasn't answering my prayers like I thought He should. I was seventeen-years-old, in high school, working, and living life. What was I suppose to do now that it'd all stopped? After graduating high school, I went on a week long retreat in the Smokey Mountains. I remember not saying much all week because I was so mad at God for not bringing me some miraculous cure. The guest speaker on the last night there spoke about confession, and he said that we will always carry our burdens on our shoulders if we don't confide in one another about what's holding us back from our relationship with God. That night, I confessed my anger to a chaperon, and I remember crying for hours because of my anger with God. I was praying and not receiving answers. I was trying drug after drug and wasn't getting any better. My anger subsided that night because I realized that God has a plan for me, and it's in His time, not mine.

When I decided to have surgery five years later, I remember praying, begging God to tell me that I was making the right decision. I was doing the right thing, that I'd be happy when I woke up from surgery. After agreeing to have surgery, the surgical team left the room, and I knew I had made the right decision. For the first time in five years, I felt a calm come over me. I felt a presence in the room, as if God was telling me, "This is what I've wanted for you. You've learned what I've had planned for your life, and this surgery is going to make you stronger because you've survived the last five years." I cried myself to sleep that night, knowing that I was angry five years ago for no reason. God had my future in His hands the whole time. Lesson learned: we all have a future planned for us, regardless of what we believe in, and that future is unknown until it's present. When it becomes present, we begin to understand why our past prepared us for our future.

As all of us know, and some of us have seen that IBD does kill people, people we know and love. Just because we've been diagnosed with a disease that can hold us back in life, doesn't mean we have to let it hold us back. Like every other human being on this earth, we have goals, dreams, wants, and needs. Reach for your goals. Make your dreams come true. Fight for what you want, and take what you need.

I started college wanting to be an adolescent psychologist and a children's minister. After my first hospital stay, I started taking some medical classes, thinking maybe God's plan for me wasn't what I wanted it to be. After my six month hospital stay, I knew that nursing was my calling. Poop, pee, blood, vomit, sputum, and any other bodily fluid didn't phase me. The odd and nasty smells in a hospital had become second nature. Needles were just a small bump in the road of my treatment. As soon as I felt well enough, I returned to school and began taking classes to get into nursing school. I got my acceptance letter this June, and I'm overjoyed. Crohn's isn't holding me back, and I know you have the strength to show IBD that it isn't in control of your life either. Maybe you want to sky dive, bungee jump, zip wire, ride a roller coaster, or travel the world - DO IT!

Amen! We all have that moment when we realize that we are no longer victims of IBD, but we are survivors of these devastating diseases. It may be that moment when we have accomplished a goal that seemed so out of reach, or it may be when we wake up one morning sick as hell and stand up, get ready, and live the for the day. It's moments like these that allow us to really believe that we're not victims because we're NOT; we NEVER have been. We all have moments where we get angry at IBD, pity ourselves for being so sick, and cry or scream because we're just sick and tired of being sick and tired, but when our best moments outweigh our worst moments, we'll never fall victim to IBD again, no matter that it's a lifelong disease.

If people can look at you, know you're sick, and see you fighting for your life with every second that you've been blessed with, you're setting an example that life is meant to be lived to the fullest regardless of the mountains we have to climb, the struggles we have to endure, and the battles we have to fight. People will see that survivors are so much more than the victims they think we are.

Don't be ashamed of who you are. Love your new body. Come to accept your body for what it has become. You may have gained weight from steroids, but who cares? You're alive. You may be twig thin from not being allowed to eat. Ignore those comments about possibly having an eating disorder because you know the truth. You may have an ostomy because your body thinks your intestines is some awful thing out to kill you. Who cares, that bag is a sign of life and victory. Having a bag doesn't mean you've given up or given in to IBD; it means that you've fought with everything you've had and given every ounce of you energy to giving IBD the finger. Deciding to choose surgery is admirable, fearful but fearless, and courageous! Don't ever doubt your decision, even though you probably will because we all have doubts, because choosing to live over choosing to die slowly from a devastating disease is one decision a lot of people will never have to make in their lives, and I hope, like me, you feel blessed to be one of the few that has been given the choice to fight and defeat IBD.

I'll share two music videos that I love watching or just hearing when I'm down because they're songs that show how human we truly are, but they also show how strong we can actually be. Sometimes, we are so strong for ourselves and those around us that we don't realize that we're falling weak from continuing to be strong. It's okay to let go sometimes and be weak because we are human, and we deserve the right to feel let down, angry, upset, disappointed, etc...

The first video is Thompson Square, Glass. The second video is Lady Antebellum, Hello World.

 

I'll leave you with the Bible verse that touched me the most when I was hitting rock bottom. I know God made sure I heard these verses, Psalm 139:13-18, to calm my heart, my spirit, and my emotions:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you."

Be comfortable. Be sexy. Be you.