Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in one week without a bowel movement. - Charles Bukowski

I found the title quite appropriate for the subject at hand :-)

Anyway, I'm so sorry for the length between my last post and now. Things have been a bit crazy in my life, and it hasn't just been my Crohn's disease. The stress of a relationship, friendships, school, and Crohn's symptoms have kind of come all together to create the "perfect storm." It's been a very stressful last month and a half, and it's been disappointing not to be able to really share what's going on in my blog because it is a very private situtation. You've probably already noticed that I'm everything but shy; however, I do know when my personal life is meant to stay my personal life and not the worlds to know. Once again, I'm sorry for the absense.

Onto our very personal and, sometimes, embarrassing conversation at hand...sex with an ostomy. I'll begin be giving you a few tips that I've learned from experience since having surgery, and then, I'll share a few tips that I've received from my lovely ostomate friends across the world through Facebook.

Before I give you my tips, I'll begin with quite a funny story that my fiance would probably rather not be shared, but everyone knows what sex is. There's no reason to be ashamed about it either, unless you're not being safe, having multiple partners, and aren't using some form of birth control.

Matthew and I have known each other since we were in elementary school. We dated for quite sometime in high school, and it wasn't the best relationship we could have had together; so we went our separate ways. We didn't speak for three years, face-to-face, after we graduated. After running into each other at a bar after we both turned twenty-one, we decided to give it another shot, and over three years later, we are still going strong. He's supported me through every hospital stay, colonoscopy, endoscopy, medication change, and surgery. He's a pretty great guy!

After my first surgery, I had a lot of complications; one of them being that I developed a severe infection along the stitches where my anus had been sewn shut, and the infection began to leak into my pelvic cavity. I had a Jackson-Pratt drain put in, and I, later, developed MRSA. As you can probably assume, the last thing on my mind was sex. Matt, although he was extremely worried, couldn't stop thinking about sex. (It must be a male thing...hahaha!)

After the drain was removed, I began sleeping in our bed again, and I had returned to school, I felt well enough to try having a sexual relationship again. Of course, I was a little hesistant and very worried about where to put my bag; fold it up under a tight top, let it hang, where a mini-pouch, and so on. I decided that I'd just keep my regular Hollister bag on, empty it, and due the deed. Long story short, after sex, I smelled something funny and started to freak. My worst nightmare had happened, my bag, literally, tore from the flange connecting it to the barrier. Luckily, I was the only one covered in stool. Matthew was very kind about it, brought me new supplies, a wet washcloth, and a dry towel for my to clean up, but I was still a bit humiliated from the experience. Regardless of the fact that I love him, getting used to a bag is hard enough, but then, to have my first sexual experience with a bag be so "eventful."

To make things easier since then, I've discovered a few tricks:

1. Always empty your bag before sex.
2. Using a mini-pouch is usually a better option, but if you don't have any available, wear your usual one and fold it up or wear a tight shirt to hold it against your body.
3. It's best to not have sex immediately after applying your appliance because it hasn't had enough time to get a proper adherence to your body.
4. For females, it will probably be very painful at first because your vaginal muscles have tightened due to surgery; so the first few times will most likely feel like you're losing your virginity again. (Unfortunately, for me, my surgery caused my pelvic to tip towards my spine; so it's always painful.)
5. Find a position that works best for you. Personally, if I'm on top, it hurts much more, and the same goes for doggie-style, but that isn't the case for everyone.
6. Don't push yourself. It took me over 5-6 months to feel comfortable having sex again, and I, still, don't do it regularly because it still isn't comfortable.
7. Don't hesitate to keep your clothes on if it makes you feel more comfortable. Lingerie, sex undies, etc always help to boost your self-esteem after a major surgery when you're ready to get back to being intimate.
8. Don't be ashamed if your stoma decides to go or make it's usual goofy noises during sex. Most of the time, your partner won't even notice it because they're either too into it, or you're both being very loud ;-)
9. Be in charge. If it starts to really hurt, stop. It's your body, and only you can tell what you can handle. There are plenty of other ways to sexually satisfy yourself and your partner if sex isn't comfortable.
10. Your sex life won't end because you have an ostomy. Your significant other shouldn't make you feel ashamed of your body because you've had surgery, and if he/she does, then, he/she isn't worth your time. Be in control of your happiness, pleasure, comfort, and self-esteem. Don't let a man or woman bring you down because a disease has changed your body.

While I was thinking of an idea for my next blog; yes, I had this planned out over a month ago; a conversation on sex was brought up in one of my Facebook support groups, My Bag & I (https://www.facebook.com/groups/300190663338906/), a group started by two very brave, young girls, Meg Price, who writes about her stoma, Stanley, at www.stanleystoma.wordpress.com, and Amy Robson, who also has her own blog, staceystoma.wordpress.com. Anyway, the conversation was a hit, and I think all of the ladies (and some of the men) took quite a few great things away from the conversation.

• If you have scar tissue from having an open surgery, doggie-style is probably going to be a very painful sex position.
• Yes, we're still human; so even though we've had our guts taken out, literally, we still have sexual desires, and sometimes, they're not as easy to succumb too because of the pain and fatigue from surgery.
• There are many sites available that provide lingerie specifically for ostomates, http://www.vblush.com/, http://www.ostomysecrets.com/, and many more; so there's no room for shame, if you can put a little spice into your sex life with some sexy lingerie suited just for your body.
• It will probably take quite awhile for your sex drive to come back. Think about it, you've had a major surgery, you're probably on narcotics, and you may be on preventative medications that suppress your sex drive anyways.
• Your sex drive will return. You may have to force it at first, but it does come back. It will be enjoyable again.
• Even if you don't feel like having sex, there's no reason you can't spoil your loved one with a little TLC, if you know what I mean, every once in awhile to keep him/her satisfied. If they're supportive, I doubt they care if the sex is there because they're witnessing what you're going through, but sometimes, it's nice to show them that they still mean something to you.
• Last but not least, sex isn't everything. If you're not ready, don't do it. If you're scared, don't do it. If you haven't been released by your doctor, don't do it. And I can't believe I have to say this, but your stoma isn't a new hole to discover sexually...yes, people have tried.

Until next time...

Be comfortable. Be sexy. Be you.