You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi



RIP Grandma Lewis

 I know that I haven't posted since August, but things have been more than a little crazy. For one, I started nursing school; yes, me, nursing school! Two, my grandma passed away last Monday on Labor Day; so between school and grieving, things have been a bit rough. However, I'm not on here to ask for pity because I've lost a loved one. Everyone does, and in this case, a huge weight and overwhelming calm has came upon our family because my grandma is no longer suffering. She's an angel in Heaven, who's earned her wings, and is protecting my family right now.

As most of you know, my goal/dream in life is to be a nurse. I want to help others who have IBD and are struggling physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've been there, and I'm willing to admit that IBD has had the best of me at one time; you can even ask my doctor. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid of being completely exposed physically and emotionally to, at the time, people whom I saw as strangers. I hated being in a hospital and the thought of even another stay, overwhelmed me and brought fear into my soul. It's hard to be 17 and hiding a disease from people because it's just that embarrassing. It was even worse when I went away to college, would use the bathroom in my suite, and the girls on my floor could smell it in the hallway. Then, they'd make comments like, "What died on our floor," "My goodness, who did that come out of," and the worst, "Whoever smells like that has a problem and needs help." I was already getting help. I spent a lot of time happy at school, but when I was sick, I was sad, terrified, embarrassed, and depressed. I wasn't attending classes, leaving my dorm room, or enjoying my late teenage years because of Crohn's disease. Guess what was winning...Crohn's disease, and it was only winning because I was letting it.

Here's the thing, you're only as strong as you let yourself be, and you'll only get as far as you allow yourself to go. I wasn't going anywhere. I wanted to start school again. I wanted to work, but I was terrified of failing school and not being able to show up for work because I couldn't leave the bathroom. Let alone, not to mention, the many times I was at work or school, and I couldn't leave the bathroom. Yes, it's embarrassing and tormenting and devastating, but we ONLY see it that way because we allow IBD to control our lives. Once we've taken control and shown IBD that OUR life is OUR life, is when the disease begins to really break down, and you feel healthy enough to do what you want and strive for your dreams.



A few days before the start of nursing school



As I've mentioned before, I have an amazing support system that have encouraged me to overcome Crohn's and fight for my dreams. Honestly, the thought of urine, stool, blood, needles, open wounds, etc. scared the hell out of me. I hated the smell of a hospital facility; it wasn't that of cleanliness but disease, to me at least. I was actually going for a major in Children's Ministry and minor in Child Psychology before I became very ill in the fall of 2007. After hundreds of IVs, nasty nurses, uncontrollable vomiting and bowel movements, hundreds of injections, only God knows how many colonoscopies and endoscopies, and meeting patients that weren't going to get out of the hospital alive (Sorry to put it so bluntly), I decided, with prayer, that nursing is my calling. It took over 4 years, but I am currently in school to get my ASN. I couldn't be happier or more proud of myself. I could have let Crohn's stop me, drop out of school permenently, and just work a menial job the rest of my life. However, that wasn't an option for me, nor is it an option for anyone with IBD or an ostomy because if we give up, we're allowing the disease to win. It doesn't deserve that attention; it deserves a good kick in the ass while we're saying, "Take that! You no longer control me!"

I understand that a lot of you are still struggling with IBD, deciding on having a bowel resection, an ostomy placement, a J-Pouch, K-Pouch, etc. I challenge you to make your decision based on your support system, what you think is best for you, and where you want to go in life. You won't get there if you don't choose to take action. Trust me, it won't be easy, and you'll go through some really tough times and make some very hard decisions. Don't worry, it'll be worth it!



Ready for orientation



You won't get anywhere in this world without fighting for what you believe in, and I believe in fighting for a cure for IBD, fighting for hospital and community education, and fighting for our lives. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my team of doctors, surgeons, family, and friends. My doctors gave me the opportunities to choose alternative medicinal routes each time another drug didn't work. My surgical team made sure I was comfortable and well-taken care of after surgery. My friends and family stood by my side the entire time, encouraging me to be okay with my disease and surgery.

I'll tell you something that is close to my heart. I still get angry that I lost a lot of my life to Crohn's. I hold a lot of anger, sometimes, because I missed a lot of average teenage, young adult life changes, but I am also thankful that Crohn's has given me the opportunity to grow spiritually and more maturally (Is that a word?) than others my age. Life isn't easy, and mine has been far from easy; yet, I've fought and fought and fought to get where I want to be. Like Gandhi said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." Well, I want to see a change in IBD, ostomy education, and by becoming a nurse, I plan on being that change.

Don't fear your dreams because of your disease. Embrace you disease, fight it, go for your goals, and then look IBD in the face and say, "I've won, not you."

I can say that I've won. I've beat Crohn's. I may still have it even though I have a permanent ileostomy, may still take Humira, but I feel better now than I've ever been. My life isn't defined by my disease. My life is defined by my goals and dreams; which I plan on completing. 

Until next time...

Be comfortable. Be sexy. Be you.